Honesty prevails yet again, and as always my fear of visual pity from others is overruled by the true purpose of this blog, which is to show a genuine look at my struggles and successes as I navigate my life; exploring my world, overcoming tragedy, finding myself and sharing my journey. As much as these posts are highly therapeutic for me, I always hope that maybe someone is able to read and relate, ultimately feeling a little less alone in our big old world. So here we go…
Today is one of those experience versus struggle type posts; even before the start of the new year, which lets be honest, is when a lot of us tend to look at our lives and hopes for the future, I found myself at a crossroads of sorts. I was looking down the current path which is my life feeling so fortunate, so incredibly blessed in many aspects, yet there was this yearning for more, this need to see me, find something just for me. I can see my potential and my strengths; creativity, heart, passion, intelligence, my desire and ability to learn, grow, succeed, my work ethic and ultimately my drive. I know if i set my mind to something I can achieve it with hard work and dedication, yet despite this I’m left feeling that something is lacking. How can you understand who you are and what you are capable of, yet somehow have no idea where you are wanting to go? It seems to me this is yet another beautiful, and confusing mystery in life.
When I look at the most important aspects of my life, I have exactly what I’ve always wanted. I have a devoted, loving, supportive partner who I’m desperately in love with. I have a beautiful, joyous, brighter than the sun, little boy, who lights up my life each and everyday. I find myself looking on at them both proudly (typically with happy tears in my eyes) each day, wondering how i managed to get this lucky. There is never a moment I wish for anything different from these two incredible men. They are the perfect piece of my beautiful life, and they are the foundation that help me feel fulfilled, appreciated and loved each day. While I can honestly say that this aspect of my life has exceeded my expectations and wildest dreams in every way, it’s when my view expands outside my immediate and extended family life that the picture because less clear. Suddenly without them the clarity of my own wants, desires, successes and goals as an individual becomes clouded. Being a loving mother and a devoted wife means the world to me, but being my own person, having my own soul, being a unique and happy individual means a great deal too. It’s the third necessary piece of the puzzle to my perfectly happy little life.
When I look closely at my life outside my family, I find myself being pulled from one hobby, job, or interest to the next, finding enjoyment in all, yet never knowing quite where I belong. I can sacrifice one to gain in another, but no matter how I juggle my loves and interests, I’m left pulled in so many directions and spread so thin that I rarely get to enjoy any of them to their full potential. It seems I’ve yet to find my fit. I’m sure many can relate to this moment in their life – this crossroads of where your soul currently stands and where it feels it should end up. Your standing still evaluating where you want to focus and where to head next, yet having no idea which direction is right, hoping for a sign that would weigh an option in your favour over another. I’m here, desperately trying to decide my next move, to understand what my wishy-washy heart wants me to do, because the options are endless and I’m still not sure where to start.
As I look back on my past choices, I look at them fondly. I see them as stepping-stones to the beautiful life I have created to date. I’m proud knowing I wouldn’t change a single one, because they have led me to this moment in my life, a life with my most precious gifts , my beautiful family, and also this crossroad moment I’m admittedly scared of and wildly excited for. Change is a beautiful thing if you’re willing to bend, grow and accept the risks and rewards that come with it. A future with my family firmly by my side, gives me the strength to push forward knowing that even though my personal goals are still unclear, with them I can handle anything, and that I am deserving of great things.
An example of this crossroad is that I love my current career, partially because it allows me to work close to home and my family, which was extremely important to me as a new mom with a past career with excessive travel requirements. Nothing makes you appreciate home more than spending a mountain of time away from it. I love that I’m excelling and growing within my role, and that I’m surrounded by colleagues that I adore and consider true friends. I love that I’m taking on more in my role and that it lends itself to my creative, organized, yet analytical type self, but despite everything I mentioned, there’s a piece that is missing, a void that seems empty, and a part of me that longing for more. Do you ever get that nagging feeling like you’re in a good place, but not the right place? That even though it’s enjoyable and challenging, that somehow you’re not living up to your true potential? Ever wonder that maybe you haven’t found your true calling? Maybe, just maybe, my role is truly enjoyable and rewarding, but maybe it’s just not me enough for me. Truth be told, I would love to work for myself, as challenging and time-consuming as running your own business, big or small, can be. I feel like I’d ultimately like to make my own mark, forge my own path, and give back in my own way. I want to use my creative outlets to make other happy, to give back, to inspire, to help out, and I’d like to do that in my own space. Whether that space is at home in an office or spare room, in a beautiful, bright studio or simply a tiny hole in the wall workspace, all I want is that it’s one hundred percent me in feeling, design and spirit. I’m looking for my safe haven, my personal happy place, my creative space of sorts, that’s not too much to ask is it? This is all well and good, and maybe a good place to start, but without an actual purpose for this wonderful space, I’m still left at the same crossroad trying to figure out where to head next. Where should I head next?
After much consideration, maybe this is only a phase and I’ll wake up feeling fulfilled in my current career and past times, or maybe by writing this post, you’ve offered me an opportunity for more clarity. Here’s hoping the light will click on and I’ll fall deeply into my calling and into the place I’ve been longing to find. Until then, I’m going to forge on into 2017 with hope for the future. I’m going to hang on tightly to the people and things I love and that create joy in my life. I’ll cling less to the fear associated with taking risks and push forward. I’ll find the courage to take the leaps of faith that will continue to lead me down my path to happiness and self discovery, and I’ll start by creating the workspace that is mine. Maybe the creation of this small space will open the doors to the creative world I’ve been hoping to discover, maybe it will open the doors to a new and ever-changing, happier Bee. That is the beauty of life I guess, that incredible journey of exploration and self discovery; digging into the world around you, finding yourself, changing, and finding yourself all over again. The beauty comes in knowing that no matter how long it takes to get to where you’re going, you’ll be exactly where you’re supposed to be in each and every moment.
Until then, I’ll explore every avenue, I’ll throw myself into all things I love. I’ll write, travel, paint, hike, swim, read, refinish furniture, design, sew, create beautiful things, bake, cook, draw and watch my family grow. I’ll take every opportunity to try new things I’ve longed to try, and throw myself into the unexpected opportunities only the chaos of real life can create. Most importantly I’ll let myself be inspired by and learn from all of these beautiful moments.
I know this post doesn’t have many recommendations on how to accomplish goals or overcome the crossroad dilemma, but I honestly don’t have the answers to these questions, only my thoughts, my experiences and plans. Know that this post however therapeutic for me, I hope it speaks to other lost souls who find themselves at an unexpected crossroad without direction or purpose. I hope you find peace knowing that you have a community of people, including myself, who understand the uncertainty and the anxiety that it creates. I hope you continue to take risks, dive head first into the things that make you the happiest, and that you don’t let the fear of failure or the unknown hold you back from pushing forward. Continue to search for the time to do the things you are passionate about, and I sincerely hope your stumble upon or rediscover that thing that makes your heart sing.
I’ve been extremely fortunate to find my husband, to have been given my son, and to be surrounded by the strength and love of family and friends, now all that’s left is to find me… the forever growing, changing, loving, soul-searching me and that “just for me” thing.