After a year of grief, guilt and depression, I had decided to seek out help and finally pull myself out of the depths of despair. At some point in your journey of finding yourself you will need to make that mental switch from the negative to the positive. In my experience this strength for a new outlook develops over time, and isn’t something that just happens. I used to be an extremely positive person, only seeing the best in the world and others around me. Some may call that being naive, but I considered myself fortunate to have the ability to see through the ridicule and ridiculous notions, and see the good shine through. This was all lost back on that tragic day in March, it was stolen from me, or so I thought. Looking back, the truth is I gave it away. Grief is expected, as are the symptoms of dealing with loss, but losing yourself, just like finding it, is a choice you make. Each persons grieving period is different, and you as an individual choose whether to fight to be true to who you are, or you choose to let the bad consume you. I’m proud to be me. The stronger version of myself, fighting to be the best person I can, to be kind, honest and compassionate. The journey from rock bottom is difficult and long, but with every step climbed, the climb gets easier and more natural. My trick to overcome the negativity, is looking at life for what it is, A GIFT!
I don’t deny that my past and my struggles have ultimately made me stronger, and I don’t resent the moments of weakness in my life. There were lessens to be learned and they have moulded me into a stronger, more caring individual. What I have learned, is that holding onto the past too tightly, hanging onto the person and experiences you lived or used to be, will only pull you further down into sadness. With love comes constant new beginnings, new growth and experiences. I spend every day trying to be thankful for who I am at that moment. I believe that my core values will always remain the same, although grow deeper and stronger, but I eagerly await my upcoming growth with each passing day. I cannot hang onto who I was in the past, because that is not who I am now. I love the person I was in that time in my life, but she is only a fond memory of my journey. After endless weeks of paying attention to my thoughts, removing the negative images or memories that occurred so naturally and replacing them with those of joy and happiness, my thoughts began to naturally change into those that were more positive. My subconscious began working with me instead of against and for the first time, my worry and sadness did not consume every day of my life. As further weeks passed the happy days outweighed the sad, the heavy load of depression I carried became lighter, and I reached a day where I woke up and everything just clicked. It was the day my mind, my health and my strength was restored and I looked at life as the gift it was.
My life, like yours is short and unpredictable. The hands we’re dealt cannot be known before the cards are laid out in front of us, but we can choose to embrace and deal with the challenges and love the sweetest moments in life, or we can choose to let them defeat us. I chose to live.I remember waking up that morning feeling light and free, and positive words were running through my mind, begging to be written. Without a proper outlet, I sat in front of the only one I had, Facebook. I wrote about my journey and my experiences. I looked at my life, the good and bad, and only noticed the positivity and strength those experiences created. Here is what I wrote;
“I found myself thinking about my bucket list this morning, and I realized just how lucky I’ve been in life. I’ve flown in the sky like a bird, traveled coast to coast, watched the sun set and rise over the ocean. I’ve visited tropical lands, explored the biggest cities and the smallest villages. I found myself in a desert and climbing to stand in awe at the top of a mountain. I’ve watched life begin, breathed life into a baby, and watched a beautiful life end. I’ve witnessed triumphs over hardship, that dreams really do come true, and proved that soul mates really do exist. I’ve been given a beautiful family and witnessed the family circle grow through friends. I’ve been inspired by people and places, explored untouched landscapes, walked in the steps of greatness. I’ve walked red carpets, down the aisle, and in the sand along the water. I’ve swam in multiple oceans, and witnessed the beauty of all four seasons. I’ve experienced beautiful cultures, buildings and people. I’ve been educated and encouraged. Praised for creativity and my accomplishments. I’ve been recognized and humbled. I’ve experienced love and heartbreak. I’ve hit rock bottom and realized my strength. I felt the warmth and generosity of a stranger, I’ve helped others, and found kindred spirits across the globe. I’ve been picked up and let down. I’ve overcome fears, accomplished goals, and lived to tell about it. I’ve been changed and touched by each and every experience in my life.
Even though my bucket list continues to grow, I realized that whether I’ve have one more day or fifty more years in this life, it has already surpassed my greatest expectations. I could achieve nothing more and be truly happy.”
That was one of the most positive days in my life for change, but that is one of many. I still continue to push forward in my fight to find my inner peace, my happiest and truest self. My journey, like every ones journey is long and potentially never-ending. It may be the most rewarding journey of your life.
I had always known that writing in any form, whether repeating the same sentence over and over to remember, writing poetry, books and or a journal, had always brought me peace, but in this moment I realized that I needed it. This is the moment the idea of “bees inspired” was created, and I made sure this idea came to life. I hope you find the strength to see the good in your life, to see the compassion in your heart and to grow throughout your life. I hope you have the courage to find your true self and continue to develop and love everyday from this point forward. I will be thinking of you.